I went to the dentist on Monday.
For the first time in 4 years.
Actually, that’s a lie. I haven’t been to the dentist in Sacramento CA in about 6 years.
Math is tough for me.
Also, I have that syndrome where when I look back in time, I always think it’s not as far away as it really is. For example, when people talk about the 90’s, I imagine them being only 10 years ago.
However it’s more like 15 years ago (for the mid 90’s).
Anyway, I strongly considered lying about my flossing habits (which consist of not flossing) to both the hygenist and the dentist.
I mean, if there are two people who are okay to lie to, it’s them, right? You see them, what, once a year? Or in my case, once a decade?
So as I was lying there, the hygienist is holding my mouth open with the stick-mirror and a machete (or wait, it’s not a massive knife made to slice up your gums?) she asked if I floss.
::let’s enter Kate’s thoughts for a minute::
:::Yes, I floss. HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OTHERWISE.:::
:::Just pretend you didn’t hear the question. Pretend you’re asleep. You should have checked narolepsy on your paperwork. They’ll never know.:::
:::Grunt. mmhhhhmmmm. It’s not like you can actually reply when their hands are in your mouth.:::
::back to reality::
So, as I sat there, suffering with the decision of whether or not I should lie, my heart started beating faster. I began to sweat. I was nauseated (possibly from the machete slices and the blood loss).
She pulled her hands out, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Do you floss?”
Shamefully, I replied simply, “No.”
None of this, “I KNOW I should, but I don’t.”
“I’m too tired at night.”
“I can’t find floss in the store.”
“It’s too expensive.”
“It’s too expensive.”
“My cats are too cute and distract me from dental hygiene.”
No I don’t floss. I’m deeply sorry to break this news. I am ashamed. It’s an emotional subject.
The dentist arrived and was making small talk. He was very nice, and probably thought I was a perfectly normal person. Little did he know, I take poor care of my teeth.
Meanwhile, I’m panicking that I have at least 15-18 cavities, and he’s about to go in there and find them. I’m sure glad I visited my Dentist in Sacramento to get my teeth cleaned!
I’ll have to have all of my teeth extracted. Maybe I could get a denture company to sponsor the blog and send me free teeth.
He lays me back, turns on the blinding light, and takes a peek.
To my shock and dismay, he tells me, “Everything looks good. No cativites.”
What? Is this a joke? Am I being Punk’d? Justin, are you here? God? Am I in heaven?
“Really? I thought for sure I had at least 18.”
He and the hygienist laugh.
“I was preparing myself for the worst, you know? So if you said I had 9, I would think ‘oh, pssshhh, that’s nothing!”
They continue to laugh.
And now I’m laughing, from pure hysterical joy that 1. No cativies. 2. No dentures. 3. The pain and suffering has ended!
The dentist leaves and the hygenist hands me a goodie bag with 56 containers of floss.
Just kidding, she wishes.
She did give me one. Travel size. It’s cute, I might try it out.
I walked out the door, beaming with pride about my apparently super strong teeth.
So visit my favorite Sacramento Dentist to take care of all of your dental woes today!